Celibacy

cel·i·bate ˈseləbət/ : abstaining from marriage and sexual relations, typically for religious reasons.

Over the past year or so I've been actively building a better relationship with God. My goal is to be so in tune with him that I am able communicated with him easily and without any confusion. This past July I received a message from God, like directly from him and he said simply, if you want to change your life you can't continue to do things the way you've always done them. I immediate thought of my love life. I had been shopping the idea of celibacy in my head for a while because a couple of my friends had been doing it and I was inspired. I had been praying for clarity guidance and wisdom so this message was a sign I needed. 

I decided that I would give myself to until my 24th birthday to get prepared for this new journey. What started as a celibacy and a new way to date turned into and overall vow to give myself to God whole heartedly; in my career, love life and just overall being. Twenty-three was such a tough year I was left feeling like why not try a completely different approach to things. 

When I decided to go celibate I was actually semi-seriously dating someone. We had already had sex so I knew that this decision would either end things or make them stronger. I had hopes that maybe we'd be able to weather the storm but that was the optimism in me. The realist in me knew that this was going to be a situation that would get rather tricky. Low and behold, things actually got horrible. I feel like God wasted no time in showing me how beneficial this journey would be. Taking the physical aspect of our relationship literally stripped the foundation of everything which is terrible. I quickly realized that all this time and feelings spent on this person was a product of lust and sheer physical attraction. I started craving more intellectually and realized that we didn't really know each other as well as we knew each others bodies. It got to the point where I was always annoyed or irritated by everything and things just slowly fell apart. 

The main thing I noticed was the lack of respect this guy had for me and my decisions. Once I was no longer willing to fulfill his carnal pleasure I was acting weird or on some bullshit. Never once did he really try to understand my point of view or try to assure me that he'd be supportive in my endeavors. He made comments like "What if things get boring?" and "you won't be celibate when your in bed with me"... Literally left me feeling like he was only with me for the sex or just me as a person wasn't interesting enough. More than hurt it fueled me to really stick by my decision and go hard about it.

We ended things and now I am currently about 3 months strong in my celibacy journey and to be completely honest  IT HAS BEEN HARD! Some days are easier than others but it is definitely a tough journey to be on. It's safe to say I masterbate now more than ever and pornhub is definitely a top site in my search history. Listen I'm holy but I'm also human and ya girl gotta make it work to get by.

My plan for this journey is to abstain from sex for a year and evaluate how things have changed. From how I feel abut myself, my view on dating and just how male interaction has changed. So far I've turned down multiple advances and gotten questions on why would I do this to myself and just speculation on if my theory will even work in today's generation. Honestly I don't know what's going to happen or what I'm expecting to happen really. I do know that I've tried just having sex and not holding back my sexual desires, I've also tried making a guy wait to get it and neither worked. I'm still 24 and single and have yet to meet anyone worth my time or someone wanting to take me seriously. I'm not pointing any fingers either, there are definitely things I need to work on. One thing I do know is that I've tried it every way but God's so I'm going to give it to him to handle and I have all the faith that everything will not only get better he will exceed my expectations. 

I have 9 more months in this first phase of my journey and with continued prayer and guidance I know I'll get through it and reap the rewards of the seeds I'm sewing! I'll be keeping you guys up to date on everything as the months go by. If you want to join me comment below or message me so we can chat about goals and motivate each other through it <3!